Monday, October 22, 2007

Why I'm Not a Food Blogger - Part II

Sometimes I just can't leave well enough alone. I know I'm not a food blogger. And yet there I was the other day, prepping to make homemade crockpot applesauce, camera perched precariously nearby. And I found myself wondering.... "Couldn't you simply document this applesauce-making escapade? Couldn't you blog it? How hard could it be to take a few good photos?" There are lots of food bloggers and their sites are popular and useful. I cook. I blog. I should be able to unite the two.

But I'm the sort of grrrl who notices it's 4:47pm and dinner time is approaching and THEN I start wondering what to cook for dinner. I'm the sort of grrrl who eats a delightful squash dish or apple fritter or pumpkin pudding at a gathering and THEN think, "oh ya, it's time for fall harvest foods." I'm the sort of grrrl who knows how to create fabulous dishes (well, ok, good dishes), who could create them if she really wanted to, and yet doesn't do it very often.

Alas, it's just no use. So once again, I present: why I'm not a food blogger.

Reason #1 I can't be a food blogger - when I started, my kitchen looked like this:
hauntingly familiar? I'm really not a kitchen slob. And I'm not a lazy piece of poop. I swear. Not every day, anyhow. Remember there was that one day?... not too long ago?..... when my kitchen looked like this (emphasis on one day)?

Enough about my chronic need for a 10-step recovery program with the flylady - it's time to get crackin' on that applesauce! First, I washed 4 lbs. of apples. Reason #2 I can't be a food blogger - I have no scale and no idea how many apples make 4 lbs. I know they'd been dieting in anticipation of their big break, so maybe they weighed more like 3-3/4 lbs.

Next I gathered the rest of the ingredients. Then I did their make-up and hair, buffed their nails, stuffed their bras, and exposed them to unforgiving, bright lights for their photo shoot with a man named Fabian.

Reason #3 I can't be a food blogger - there is no man named Fabian. Reason #4 - I forgot to primp some of the ingredients. They were late for the photo shoot, that's all. Well, more about that later.

The players: apples, sugar, cinnamon, water, and lemon juice. Notice which ingredients were MIA? Uh huh.

Next I peeled, cored, and sliced my apples. And herein lies reason #5 I can't be a food blogger - for this task, one ought to have a good peeler and a good paring knife. I have neither. I have about 26 peelers, but I only like one - the one I usually can't find in the land-of-no-return that is my utensil drawer. And I used to have two favorite knives, but I lost both of them. Please don't ask any questions about how I tend to lose knives, it's really better you don't know.

Reason #6 - I wrestled and wrangled and scraped my knuckles and stubbed my thumb peeling the apples, and no one likes blood and skin peelings in their applesauce. (And if, by chance, you do, I'd suggest keeping that to yourself.) After trying out 2 different peelers and 3 different knives, and none meeting my extremely high Betty Crocker-esque standards, I had a pile of apple peels that looked like this.

Reason #7 I can't be a food blogger - there was absolutely no reason to include an unappetizing photo of the apple peelings. And yet, I still did it. I'm really rebellious and mysterious like that.

So then it was time to toss the apples into the ol' crockpot.

I decided to make the applesauce in the crockpot rather than a kettle because there's less stirring involved. And we all know how back-breaking it can be to stir apples! I'm tired just thinking about it. Reason #8 - I'm lazy like that and should set a better example for my cooking admirers. And I would, if I had any.

Next, I added 1/2 cup of sugar.

And 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. Feeling especially frisky, I actually added about 1-1/2 teaspoons. Madness, I know.

Then it was time to give it a good stir. (I stretched out first, so as not to over-do.)

Next, the forgotten ingredients. I added 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. Reason #9 I can't be a food blogger - I used bottled lemon juice. That is, like, incredibly lame.

Then I added 1 cup of water. At first I thought it might be unnecessary to post a photo of adding water, but then I remembered that not everyone is as good a cook as me. It's better to be thorough. I don't want anyone to get confused. I have enough trouble answering all my fan mail without people asking me how, exactly, they should add a cup of water.

One more good stir and we're ready to plug 'er in! It can cook on low for 6 hours or high for 3 hours. I set it to low, but got impatient and turned it to high. Then I thought better of it and turned it to low again. I'm indecisive. Reason #10.

Let's step back and survey our little display of simmering goodness, shall we?

Oh. Yikes.

Ohhhhh. Oh dear. Egad, people. Who lives here? A pack of wild animals? And look, there's a pillow on the floor in the living room! The insanity.(Reason #11 - I'm messy.)

Since it's going to take 6 hours - er, 3 hours - no wait, 6 hours - for the applesauce to cook, I think it's time to gussy the place up, don't you? Just to prove that I can.

Ah, look.

Ahhhhh, that's niiiiiice..I'm feeling better. How 'bout you?I even washed my dishes by hand, just so you don't think I'm a lazy piece of poop. Cuz I know that's what you were thinking.

We'd better check on that applesauce! Yu-uh-uh-uhhhhmy! Appley-goodness.

Now, that's all good and fine, but whereas most food bloggers detail recipes like
Baked Artichoke with Crab and Sourdough Stuffing and Dungeness Crab Etoufee (Etou-huh?!?), I'm explaining, well, um, applesauce. The Gutsy Gourmet's recipes were so dang impressive, even I didn't return to my blog for a very long time. Reason #12 I'm not a food blogger - everyone knows how to make applesauce.

But impressive or not, when the day is done my house smells like apples & cinnamon, the kids come running with tongues wagging out of their mouths, and we get to sit down to a bowl of homemade applesauce-bliss. And I get to take off my soiled apron, put my hand to my tired forehead and give my best
Scarlet O'Hara impersonation, and bask in my family's adoring affection.

Hey, how'd this shot get in there?Cleaning strategy, exposed!

Why I'm Not a Food Blogger Part III


K. said...

Well see now, I'm the type of grrl who notices it's 4:47pm and then A) opens a couple cans of Campbell's best for dinner or B) plays Sudoku until the husband comes home and cooks dinner. So honestly - I didn't know how to make applesauce. Or at least, that it can involve something more strenuous than checking to see if the jar says "no sugar added" before I put it in my cart.

My opinion is that polished and fancy-pants food blogs (while I in no way mean to cast aspersions on the men and women who work hard on such pursuits) are a dime a dozen (and also make some of us mere mortals feel a touch inadequate), someone who can teach me a simple and useful skill like how to make applesauce with humor about her real life raggedy edges is a rare and wonderful thing.

Thanks for the laugh, this was great. I'm still madly in love with your kitchen, too. Do you think it would marry me? said...

I agree, your kitchen rocks. Maybe I'll fall for any sort of kitchen that isn't from the 1970's... mine is in serious need of remodeling (just waiting until we have the money and time.. since my husband is a huge DIYer).

Ditto on the reasons why Im not a food blogger. When I take pictures of the finished product, it looks disgusting in the photo... but it certainly looks delicious "in person". What the dealio, yo?

whimsigal said...

I have a blog where I document what I eat but I don't consider myself a food blogger. Splitting hairs? Maybe. :)

This post made me laugh so hard and I really needed that! I wish my kids would eat applesauce because it does make the house smell so lovely when it's cooking.

This was a really fun post!

AuthorMomWith Dogs said...

Ah, but you'd be the perfect food blogger. Finally, a person who cooks and keeps house like the rest of us! : )Think of the millions who could totally relate to you. Oh the possibilities...

piscesgrrl said...

K - you may have my kitchen's hand (counter? towel drawer?) in marriage if you bring that guy who makes the killer chocolate chip cookies. Think of the fun we'll have together!

mandymom - I've been lusting after expensive cameras and photoshop so I can take better photos. I'm not sure my pics of applesauce slop are all that appetizing either!

whimsigal - i think your style of food blog is inspiring! And I suggest you make some applesauce for yourSELF. :)

authormomwithdogs - hello and welcome :) When I start with a messy kitchen it's b/c I'm in the mood to cook! If I was in the mood to clean, I'd clean. lol

I've never looked at my kitchen as one others would lust after - now I see it with new eyes. It IS one of the finer parts of the otherwise-standard house. Hmmm. My kitchen loves you all back and is now considering kicking me out and replacing me with someone who has more appreciation for all it does 'round here. And I don't blame it. So I'm going to go apologize to it now.