Why I'm Not a Food Blogger - Part II

Sometimes I just can't leave well enough alone. I know I'm not a food blogger. And yet there I was the other day, prepping to make homemade crockpot applesauce, camera perched precariously nearby. And I found myself wondering.... "Couldn't you simply document this applesauce-making escapade? Couldn't you blog it? How hard could it be to take a few good photos?" There are lots of food bloggers and their sites are popular and useful. I cook. I blog. I should be able to unite the two.

But I'm the sort of grrrl who notices it's 4:47pm and dinner time is approaching and THEN I start wondering what to cook for dinner. I'm the sort of grrrl who eats a delightful squash dish or apple fritter or pumpkin pudding at a gathering and THEN think, "oh ya, it's time for fall harvest foods." I'm the sort of grrrl who knows how to create fabulous dishes (well, ok, good dishes), who could create them if she really wanted to, and yet doesn't do it very often.

Alas, it's just no use. So once again, I present: why I'm not a food blogger.

Reason #1 I can't be a food blogger - when I started, my kitchen looked like this:
Sound hauntingly familiar? I'm really not a kitchen slob. And I'm not a lazy piece of poop. I swear. Not every day, anyhow. Remember there was that one day?... not too long ago?..... when my kitchen looked like this (emphasis on one day)?

Enough about my chronic need for a 10-step recovery program with the flylady - it's time to get crackin' on that applesauce! First, I washed 4 lbs. of apples. Reason #2 I can't be a food blogger - I have no scale and no idea how many apples make 4 lbs. I know they'd been dieting in anticipation of their big break, so maybe they weighed more like 3-3/4 lbs.

Next I gathered the rest of the ingredients. Then I did their make-up and hair, buffed their nails, stuffed their bras, and exposed them to unforgiving, bright lights for their photo shoot with a man named Fabian.

Reason #3 I can't be a food blogger - there is no man named Fabian. Reason #4 - I forgot to primp some of the ingredients. They were late for the photo shoot, that's all. Well, more about that later.

The players: apples, sugar, cinnamon, water, and lemon juice. Notice which ingredients were MIA? Uh huh.

Next I peeled, cored, and sliced my apples. And herein lies reason #5 I can't be a food blogger - for this task, one ought to have a good peeler and a good paring knife. I have neither. I have about 26 peelers, but I only like one - the one I usually can't find in the land-of-no-return that is my utensil drawer. And I used to have two favorite knives, but I lost both of them. Please don't ask any questions about how I tend to lose knives, it's really better you don't know.

Reason #6 - I wrestled and wrangled and scraped my knuckles and stubbed my thumb peeling the apples, and no one likes blood and skin peelings in their applesauce. (And if, by chance, you do, I'd suggest keeping that to yourself.) After trying out 2 different peelers and 3 different knives, and none meeting my extremely high Betty Crocker-esque standards, I had a pile of apple peels that looked like this.

Reason #7 I can't be a food blogger - there was absolutely no reason to include an unappetizing photo of the apple peelings. And yet, I still did it. I'm really rebellious and mysterious like that.

So then it was time to toss the apples into the ol' crockpot.

I decided to make the applesauce in the crockpot rather than a kettle because there's less stirring involved. And we all know how back-breaking it can be to stir apples! I'm tired just thinking about it. Reason #8 - I'm lazy like that and should set a better example for my cooking admirers. And I would, if I had any.

Next, I added 1/2 cup of sugar.

And 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon. Feeling especially frisky, I actually added about 1-1/2 teaspoons. Madness, I know.

Then it was time to give it a good stir. (I stretched out first, so as not to over-do.)

Next, the forgotten ingredients. I added 1 tablespoon of lemon juice. Reason #9 I can't be a food blogger - I used bottled lemon juice. That is, like, incredibly lame.

Then I added 1 cup of water. At first I thought it might be unnecessary to post a photo of adding water, but then I remembered that not everyone is as good a cook as me. It's better to be thorough. I don't want anyone to get confused. I have enough trouble answering all my fan mail without people asking me how, exactly, they should add a cup of water.

One more good stir and we're ready to plug 'er in! It can cook on low for 6 hours or high for 3 hours. I set it to low, but got impatient and turned it to high. Then I thought better of it and turned it to low again. I'm indecisive. Reason #10.

Let's step back and survey our little display of simmering goodness, shall we?

Oh. Yikes.

Ohhhhh. Oh dear. Egad, people. Who lives here? A pack of wild animals? And look, there's a pillow on the floor in the living room! The insanity.(Reason #11 - I'm messy.)

Since it's going to take 6 hours - er, 3 hours - no wait, 6 hours - for the applesauce to cook, I think it's time to gussy the place up, don't you? Just to prove that I can.

Ah, look.

Ahhhhh, that's niiiiiice..I'm feeling better. How 'bout you?I even washed my dishes by hand, just so you don't think I'm a lazy piece of poop. Cuz I know that's what you were thinking.

We'd better check on that applesauce! Yu-uh-uh-uhhhhmy! Appley-goodness.

Now, that's all good and fine, but whereas most food bloggers detail recipes like Baked Artichoke with Crab and Sourdough Stuffing and Dungeness Crab Etoufee (Etou-huh?!?), I'm explaining, well, um, applesauce. The Gutsy Gourmet's recipes were so dang impressive, even I didn't return to my blog for a very long time. Reason #12 I'm not a food blogger - everyone knows how to make applesauce.

But impressive or not, when the day is done my house smells like apples & cinnamon, the kids come running with tongues wagging out of their mouths, and we get to sit down to a bowl of homemade applesauce-bliss. And I get to take off my soiled apron, put my hand to my tired forehead and give my best Scarlet O'Hara impersonation, and bask in my family's adoring affection.

Hey, how'd this shot get in there?Cleaning strategy, exposed!


Why I'm Not a Food Blogger Part III