Life's Heavy Doses

Does it ever happen to you that you're feeling tired, or agitated, or tense, or ouchy, and you're not even sure why? It happens to me.

Does it ever happen to you that you get a little passive-aggressive about blogging, about attending the usual commitments, about, say, cooking dinner, or... getting out of bed, and you're not even sure why? It happens to me.

Does it ever happen that you set out to type a newsy email to a friend, and all this angst-ridden stuff comes pouring forth, and you realize by the end of it, "Ahh, so that's why I'm feeling like this"? It happened to me. Just now.

This is a heavy week, for several reasons.

~I met my mother's new 'friend.' I liked him fine, so that's not the problem. And he's good to her. It's just surreal, that's all.

~I met with the headmaster at Brady's school to discuss the possibility that he may drop out. I can hear the homeschoolers now, screaming excitedly, "That's not a problem! That's not a problem!" and I can hear the rest of you thinking, "HUH?!? You're not serious..." It's a long story. We're on the fence (including and especially Brady). We're neck-deep in discussion. It's a huge decision. Again.

~Tomorrow we sign papers to buy the main family farm. Because my father died, because my grandmother died, I find myself in the interesting and unexpected position of becoming 1/3 owner of our fifth-generation family farm. It's exciting and frightening and mind-boggling all at the same time. It was Dad's plan and we're carrying it forward.

~Tomorrow is also the 2-year anniversary of my father's death. Two years already. That doesn't seem possible, as I still look for him around corners and among fence rows. And I still haven't been able to visit his gravestone. I've tried.

~And I saw some old friends last week, whose reception of me was so kind and warm and accepting, it shined a very bright light on the fact that I don't have that in the current communities I'm running with.

So I guess, dear friends, I've got a lot working on my mind and my heart, so I've been tired, and quiet, and introspective... and tired.. and, well, tired... Instead of my usual blog chirpiness, I'm loaded down with big things that can't be easily discussed in this blog.

'Twill be a good day when I post blog chirpiness again.

But we need to end this on a high note, because a wise friend recently told me...

~ the thing you feed is the thing that grows.... ~

*****
Good news part one - I've been doing some arting lately, and for anyone who knows me at all, this is pretty unusual. It's been very soothing. And while the feel of pencils and paintbrush in my hand is rather foreign, I find it doesn't matter - it's the process I need right now, not the product. So indulge me, if you will, by looking upon my beginner's work.

One became a bookmark and went to live with my mum.

Good news part two - I sold an article! http://www.everythinghomeschooling.com/ purchased an article I wrote titled, "An Unschooler Goes to School". Subscribe to their web-zine if you want, but you already know the details. :-)

Good news part three - We just returned from our annual homeschooling conference, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I needed the pick-me-up more than ever. Brady and I stayed up until 2:40am on Saturday night, Brady going on 'adventures' through the hotel (which was bizarre and very bad feng shui!) with his new unschooling friends, while I chatted with a new group of unschooling moms. And a very cool serendipitous event was my chat with Ren Allen. She was a featured speaker at the conference and as I'd connected with her online a time or two, I hoped to say hello to her. However, she was swarmed with questioners after each workshop so I didn't have the opportunity to chat with her. Well, our room's coffee maker died, so on Sunday morning, after most of the conference-goers were gone and the hotel was finally still, I went to the hotel cafe to get a coffee and there was Ren. Her flight didn't leave for several hours and I had time to chat because Brady wanted to spend as much time as possible with his new unschooling friends, so we got over an hour to talk. Looks like I wasn't meant to have only a quickie hello with her after all. Good things come to those who wait. So glad to have connected with you, Ren!

*****

Now listen - if Brady decides to leave school and come back home, I'm gonna need all the good unschooling mojo and support vibes you've got to spare. All of 'em. It's hard work going against the grain of society again and again, and it gets harder as the stakes get higher. The collective sigh of relief when Brady entered school did not go unnoticed by me (or him), and it takes a strong spirit to shut out the myriad opinions, doubts, and fears and listen to your own inner voice speaking, and that's what he's faced with right now. Big stuff for a 15 year old.

I am in awe of his maturity, his willingness to be who he is, and his obvious ability to succeed no matter where he is, no matter what he chooses. We want him to be happy, and we will do whatever is necessary to see that happen.
*****
Thank you to everyone who's sent "where'd you go?" and "come back soon" emails - it's a comfort to know I'm missed. And now I ask you for one more thing - a big fat dose of "I've got your back grrlfriend" and some 'there there' if you've got any to spare.

Odds are, I'll be back with more than a little bit of big news any time now.

The metamorphosis continues.

~Namaste~