Sunday, March 30, 2008

Post-Vacation Sucker Punch

I'm sick, people. I'm very, very sick. I'm sick in the head is what I am.

Jonathan came down with a crazy-bad head cold during the last three days of our Florida trip. He was a trooper, doing Busch Gardens by day, but walking into our hotel room each dinnertime with an announcement of, "I'm tired. I don't feel good. I'm going to bed." And he burrowed under the covers 3.5 seconds later, not to emerge until the following day. By our last day in Florida, there was a slight burning in my chest - which is a good sign of, um, nothing good.

I'm sure it had nothing to do with Jonathan handing me his dirty tissues for 3 days straight, tissues he is apparently incapable of disposing of himself despite my 3-step instructional tutorial I freely offered every chance I got.

"First, honey, you wrap up the boogers in the tissue. No, YOU do it, they're YOUR boogers. Then, sweety, you throw the tissue away. No, not on my lap, in the trash can. And Boo, you need to wash your hands. Yes, you do. Yes. You do. Please. Please?"

But as we all know, it is written in the fine print that mothers are obligated to handle all bodily functions no matter how gooey, and so I stuffed my backpack with 8,283 tissues and followed Jonathan around, ready to prevent as much projectile mucous-sharing as I could.

I was talking a bit with Kelly about penance. To punish myself for my shameless bragging that I was in a warm place when most of you weren't (excepting Joanne, who had the foresight to simply move to said warm place rather than continually moan about wanting to live in said warm place - what a concept!), I did a bit of jogging to flog myself for it. I do not like to jog. I especially do not like to jog at 10:30 am when it is already so humid in Florida that breathing is like sticking your face into a sauna the size of a ziplock bag. But the road was flat and my running shoes were packed (Whatever was I thinking?) and I had to find a way to stop the osmotic absorption of nine restaurant dinners into my thigh tissue, so I laced my sneakers and took off.

But Kelly kindly pointed out (too late) that penance is not usually necessary as karma will inevitably take care of things. Thanks, Kelly, thanks for the timeliness of your message. Really.

So here I am, propped up in front of my computer, only because if I have to lay prone for one more second I fear my back muscles will contort beyond the point of no return, wrapped in the biggest comforter I could find, with a scarf wrapped around my neck, a box of tissues (my third) at the ready, a steady stream of hot tea (thanks to sweet Jonathan who fills my cup and asks, "Can I get anything for you? A sandwich?"), and doing shots of anything I can find in Rob's homemade pharmacy which promises relief anywhere in the upper half of my body. Usually I am fairly openly hostile about Rob's love for over-the-counter pharmaceuticals, insisting most things need to run their course and his body would heal itself if he'd just let it. But not today. When I woke at 4am, sure I had pneumonia and obsessing about how drowning in my own mucus will be such a horrible way to die, I suddenly became willing to drink or swallow anything with "relief" written on the label and tasting like toxic-cherry-bubble gum-waste. And how's that working for me you ask? Well, I now have an acid stomach, which does, believe or not, sometimes take my focus off the feeling that my sinus cavities are about to do an Old Faithful any minute now.

I don't know if it's being in a house of boys that does it, but the bedside manner 'round here is just so-so, with Brady asking, "Oh, you're sick?" despite my incessant moaning from the couch region of the house, and Rob telling me to "Go lay down!" like I'm a dog or something. He does do a pretty amazing infomercial for all the OTC drugs we have in our house, most of which I've never seen much less used myself. I wonder if we put him on youtube he'll get royalties or something? "Side effects may include severe dizziness, abdominal bleeding, divorce papers served by your wife's cutthroat attorney, and uncontrollable wheezing. Ask your doctor if MucusBeGone is right for you."

And, of course, there's the especially nasty karmic sting that we always get sick on weekends, when we're given the unattractive choice between suffering (and panicking during my late-night irrational bouts of "I think I'm going to die. Rob." nudge nudge "No really, I think I'm dying. I'm drowning in my own phlegm. I think my lungs are filling up. Rob." nudge nudge poke) and paying three thousand times more to see a doctor who's surely not covered by any insurance plan within a hundred-mile radius and who will give you that look that says, "Ya, you and every other hypochondriac in here is doing to die this very minute," followed by, "I think it's a virus, go home and go to bed and if you get any worse between now and Monday (but we all know miraculous recoveries are pre-scheduled for 8am on Monday mornings), call an ambulance or something. That'll be 3 gazillion dollars, please."

Ok, I'm done whining. For now. I'm going to go do head-stands on the couch in hopes of unplugging my left ear (which has been plugged since yesterday and is going to drive me ape-sh*t-mad anysecondnow), snort salt water ala neti-pot-style, down another gallon of my homemade concoction of cayenne pepper, honey, and apple cide vinegar, and continue telling Rob to stop talking to me like I'm a dog.

But I hope you, my lovely friends, are having a delightful, snot-free day and a good chuckle at my throw-down loss to karma and her bad-*ss peeps.

I deserve it, I guess.


Stacie said...

That sounds like a barely living, snotty, hell...and you don't deserve that!

I do hope you feel better!

K. said...

No one deserves that. Especially someone who huffed and puffed through the midmorning humidity of Florida in an effort to stave off bad karma - you should have gotten some amazing brownie points for that, and I would write a sternly worded letter to the Department of Karma about it if I were you.

But hey - at least it got you blogging again, right?

I don't think it's just because you live with boys that you're not getting the sympathy you deserve, BTW. Admittedly I live in a male dominant household, but still, I almost always get the sense that I should justify my illnesses complete with a doctor's note before anyone takes me seriously, and then it's more in the realm of stepping carefully over my prone and miserable body instead of stepping on it, or something. Maybe it's a Mom thing.

Feel better.

Stephanie said...

I'm sorry you are full of the crud! What a beautiful trip and now this, that sucks grrrl!!!

I admit to laughing while reading because you are so funny even when portraying the crud you do it with style.

Feel better!!!

Maria said...

If everyone got sick when something good happened to them, like going to Florida, then EVERYONE would be sick all the time. No such thing as karma/fate/penance. That is my strong belief...but because I said that I'll probably come down with something tomorrow, too...sorry you feel so crappy! I SO hear you on that dr/insurance/just a virus thingy. UGH>
Hang in there! And I LOVED hearing about Florida and your adventures in the sun!!

Tina H. said...

You don't deserve it, although the pictures were hard to swallow. Just kidding. We've dealt with the same crap for awhile now. I wouldn't wish it on you. Hope you start to feel better SOON.

Beverly said...

Have you seen "Man Cold" on youtube?
Hope you're better soon!

whimsigal said...

Good grief! I hope you feel better quickly!

On the topic of the acid stomach, listen to me here. Seriously. Get yourself some gum, it doesn't matter what flavor but I find spearmint is the best, take two pieces and chew them. Within 15 minutes, the acid stomach should be gone. For a while I was really suffering with that acid stomach that would wake you up in the night, coughing on the reflux. Nasty stuff. Then I read online that a great quick remedy was chewing gum and it worked!

Anyway, it sucks to round out a trip with an illness so I hope it runs its course very soon!


diana(hahamommy) said...

I'll be right over with some ear candles... aw crap, not enough gas! Pick up a diana replacement ;) AND some ear candles at the co-op, make a party outta cleaning out your eartubes :D then put cotton dipped in olive oil in your ears and sleep in silence for the next 72 hours! You'll feel *so* much better!

Kim said...

Yikes. Okay, you are going too far to even type in that condition. Just focus on breathing until the mucous is gone. Hope you heal soon!

Colleen said...

I'm so sorry you're sick but I'm glad you're still able to entertain us from your sickbed! :) Feel better soon.

Lynn said...

Thankfully yes I have had a snot free day;-)))
Sorry you feel so bad,hope you get well soon xxx
Flat Stanley is ready to travel if you would like to host, just let me know and I will email for your address xxx

whimsigal said...

If you get a chance, and your feeling better, please come by my blog and see the new idea that Iain had. He's really excited and would love for a bunch of people to participate!