Friday, May 23, 2008

Quieter Than Usual

I've been quiet lately. On my blog, that is. I don't know what my deal is, other than to grudgingly admit this is one of the reasons I don't hold a full-time job. Mostly, it's because I don't WANT to. I want to unschool with my kids. But partly, I must admit, it's because I seem to be thoroughly incapable of doing anything regularly for the long haul. Well, except laundry, and I do that grudgingly on many-a-day. Ok, and marriage, but that ain't always a walk in the park either. But all I have to do to stick with the laundry regimen is get to the point where I realize the underwear isn't going to wash itself and I do it. And all I have to do to stick with my marriage is consider the alternative. I've witnessed enough nasty, painful, never-ending divorces to realize it has to be bad - really, really, REALLY bad - for that to look better than this. And then we get to work.

But the fact is, I'm not much of a stick-to-it kinda grrrl. The upside to that is a lovely, serendipitous life, where things change often enough that we don't grow stagnant and bored. (That sounds good.) The downside is, well, that I tend to binge-and-burn-out. I embrace my new passions with all the giddiness of a newlywed arranging her new china in her new kitchen. And for a while, sometimes a long while even, I dive head-long into my latest interest and explore it inside, outside, upside down and backwards. And then... well, then.... I.... peter... out...

I don't know if it's the 'binge' part of binge-and-burn-out that causes me to peter out. Perhaps there's no balance to my life when I'm diving into a new thing and in the end, that's what gets me. "I don't have time to garden!" I wail, or "When's the last time I hiked in the woods!" I lament. Or maybe, it's just that I'm destined to be a jack-of-all-trades, master of none.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling optimistic, I think perhaps I'm just still searching, and one day, I'll happen upon that ONE thing that I'm destined to do for the rest of my life. I worried for a long time that I hadn't found my ONE thing, like the potter who starts every morning with clay or the writer who begins every day with pen and paper. These days, I don't care quite so much that I haven't found my ONE thing. But I still get a little peeved at that part of myself that is severely lacking any sort of staying power.

And that, my friends, is why I haven't blogged much lately. It takes too much time. It's a solitary pursuit. I ran out of things to say. There are things I oh-so-badly need to hash through but they're too private for my blog. There are other things I want to spit through clenched teeth but I know I may regret that at a later date.

At the end of the day, I still love blogging. I'm a gotta share kinda grrl, and I love-love-love connecting with people and having great discussions and getting new ideas and having my own ideas challenged, analyzed, supported and tweaked. But at the end of the day, it's still just me sitting in front of a screen, while my family carries on without me, and the only friendships I've nurtured are with those whom I've never met in real life. It surprises me just how important those relationships are, even though they are untested in the ebb and flow of live interaction; and it is those relationships I grieve as I ponder the natural life cycle of my blog.

But I don't think I'm quite done yet. That seems rather rash and final. So we'll call it a break. A siesta. A vacation. Down time.

In the meantime, life goes on in our little section of cornfield country. I've retreated again with my women's group, gardened, managed Brady's soccer team and administrated for the soccer club. I've cooked, laundered, mowed, and scrubbed. There were play rehearsals and performances. Museum classes. Park days and band practices. Speaking gigs to give and speaking gigs to attend. Birthday parties, potlucks, performances, and festivals. And no, I still haven't painted my bathroom, but I did manage to purge an embarrassing amount of excess clothing from my closet.

And when life begins to move a bit too quickly, and painful things continue to poke holes in my thin-skinned exterior, and when I need some quiet and calm to help me muddle through a few things, I do always have this:

And it always brings me back to center.


Maria said...

Okay, I haven't even finished this post yet, but have to start writing. This is why I love you. Really. I am such an all or nothing person. I get going on one thing and just don't have the umph for follow thru. It's not that I didn't have fun, but I'm over it and "buh-bye"...except for kids..and marriage. What you said.

I'm really working at seeing this not as a "can't stick to it" kind of thing, but a testimony to the fact I have varied interests and let's face it, in a perfect world I could do and see it all, but this ain't a perfect world.. I have varied interests, I explore them all to the best of my ability..and move on...

And blogging is only part of who we are..and it's private and it's not. Don't feel obligated to blog. Show us a picture now and then of your life and be done with it. Don't feel you have to post every week or every other week. Take a break. Conserve. Go into yourself. Ponder.

Here is a post from Katherine. Fellow unschooler that may interest you.

I'm bad at links...sorry...

Take care of yourself....

denise said...

Yeah. I know what ya mean.

I will miss you!

Heather said...

I think life is like a buffet. It's fun to try new things. Some stuff is awesome at first and then it gets old after awhile. I like to blog b/c when I look back at it I smile and know my boys will have fun reading it one day. I do take breaks some weeks. I notice I don't blog much when I am feeling cranky. When I am really busy, or feeling uninspired (cranky), I post just a pic and/or a small paragraph.


Lynn said...

I love your blog and your comments on mine have been real turning points in the way forward I have taken on my unschooling journey,you have been more important to me than you will probably ever know and I am sure there are many more out there ;-))

But this is not about me it is about you and what you need now and if blogging is not a part of that then that is how it will be for a while,or longer.You have given so much to so many by what you have shared.Blogging,well good blogging that is , doesn't just happen and it does take thought and an eye for a good post and you certainly have that but maybe now you just need that down time, not have to think about sharing and just do and enjoy.I will pop in regularly and look forward to your next post whenever that may be.Love and ((hugs)) xxx

debra said...

Blogger ate the first comment I wrote, so here I go again.

As mothers we kind of capture moments in time, whenever they exist. Stories to hear and to tell and to read; hugs to give; games to watch; being present. These things don't wait while we put our attention on the tappity tap of our fingers on the keyboard. We do the best we can at any point in time with the information and tools we have at that time. That's the best any of us can do.

What a gift to be able to explore things and change as we need to. We are not married to blogging, yes?
So we live our lives and take time to do what we need to do.
With or without the computer.

Please give yourself the gift of doing what you need to do at any one time. The computer and the blog will still be here. (mine waits for me---along with the laundry and dust bunnies). Here's a cup of cyber coffee and tea to share.

SabrinaT said...

What great photos. I would love al that room to just move. I know how you feel. We can't even settle on a place to live! I love all the moving, (ok, not the packing), exploring, and adventure our lives bring. I know someday it will end, and when it does I want tons of vast open land to call my own.

Beverly said...

"jack-of-all-trades, master of none"
I can relate to that. I think it's a good trait for an unschooling mom, though.

Susan Gaissert said...

The picture of your front door -- oh my Lord -- how pretty -- I want to come over and visit you!

kelli said...

Sweet Laura, you're exactly where you need to be :) I keep telling myself that too, even though it's hard sometimes.

A lot of what you described touches my core also. Blog when you want, then don't *hugs*

Wendy said...

Hi -- I'm fairly new to reading your blog, but as a fellow jack (jane!) of all trades, I had to comment. I was just panicking the other day: "What if Dan dies and I'm left here with the girls and I have to find a way to earn money and there's nothing that I do well enough?" Eventually I just fell asleep, thinking (like I always do) that I would figure it out another day, if I ever have to.

Great blog, btw. I really enjoy your voice.

Galavanter said...

I relate to so much of what you've written here. You are such a beautiful writer (in all ways), and I enjoy your blog more than any other.

I would much rather visit a well written blog to find that there haven't been any new posts than to see all those Thursday 13s and such that don't really say anything, but allow the poster to think they are so witty and clever.

All that to say, blog when you feel you have something to say and we'll all be here reading.

Thank you for all you've written...