Hold on to Your Elf Boots, It's an 80's Meme

I'm not much for doing memes, but this is an 80's meme, and for some reason I feel compelled to do it. Maybe because it's an excuse to finally display those old pictures of me with big hair, which will take a huge weight off my shoulders. It's a lot of work trying to hide your past like this. Thanks to Kelly at she's in transition for the inspiration to come out as a former Madonna-wannabe.

1. How old were you in 198O? 10

2. How old were you in 1989? Basic math anyone? Hey Homeschoolers, let your kids help you with this one! (Please don't - I jest. I don't like to be responsible for such subversive smarm.)

3. Were you a Toys R' US Kid? Nope, but I can sing the jingle if you'd like. I WAS a tv kid, though back then tv wasn't an around-the-clock feast for the eyes.

4. Did you watch Transformers? That was for boys, but I can sing the theme song if you'd like. "Transformers... more than meet the eye... Transformers... masters of disguise!" My brother was quite the captive fan.

5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen? Yes, with a gaggle of cousins in Wisconsin. Going to a movie was a big thing back then, kids. And we had to walk uphill for 2 miles through blinding snow to get there. Ok, not really - wrong generation - but I did have to execute some perfectly timed throw-downs to avoid getting stuck in the "way back" of the Honda's hatchback for the ride there. (Sorry, little brother.)

6. Did you own a Lite Bright? Sure did, but it was only captivating for a short while. Then, we had messes of punched black paper riddling our closet floors for years to come (why did we save used Lite Bright pages?!) and the little pegs all got sucked into the vacuum cleaner.

7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl? I don't remember their names, but I loved them all. And I'd watch over my shoulder lest someone catch me enjoying a tv show about old ladies. How uncouth.

8. When someone says "Who you gonna call?" Ghostbusters, even though that had to be one of the most annoying theme songs of all time. But I could sing it for you if you'd like.

9.What was your favorite toy? I worried that saying Barbies would mean Kelly would officially decide, once and for all, having been pushed too far, to not be my friend, but since she listed it, here goes nuthin'... Barbies, hands down. I did cut off one barbie's dark hair to turn her into a boy. Also, Roller skates. Twister. Shrinky Dinks. Matchbox cars. Weebils. "Weebils wobble but they don't fall down!" I am a theme song/jingle master!

10. Did you have a Pogo Ball? A what? Alright, I looked it up and it doesn't ring a bell. I'm gonna have to speak to my mom about this, because that may explain the nagging sense of deprivation I've carried with me for 20 years. But the description reminds me of the lemon twist - which I was a master of, by the way. That and the hula hoop, which didn't originate in the 80's. I won $2 in a hula hoop contest once. Yes, kids, $2. Chew on that for a bit.

11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block? No, except when it came onto my favorite pop radio station. I never flipped my radio dial. 97ZOK all the way.

12. What New Kid did you have a crush on? Nope. Didn't do New Kids on the Block. Or Menudo. Now, Shaun Cassidy? Mmmm. And Michael Jackson? Yeah, I said it.

13. Did you play M.A.S.H? Huh? Play M.A.S.H.?

14. Did you watch The Care Bears? No way. They were insufferably annoying. I had standards.

15. Did you have Jelly bracelets? Yes. Unlike Kelly, I didn't shoplift mine. Ahem. Just mascara. But just that one time. Ok, twice. Nevermind.

16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet? No. We did friendship pins, with the safety pins and beads. We also did blood sisters rituals. I still have the scars to prove our undying loyalty. And it worked! I'm still best of friends with my grade school grrrlfriends. Ok, I'm not. Apparently, the "long-term consequences" of friendship scars did not enter my consciousness until the 90's.

17. Did you have a Glo Worm? Nope. I think I was too old for those too.

18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet? Yep. Short-lived entertainment.

19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles? Both. I adored Molly Ringwald.

20. Did you have a crazy hair style? Every grrrl had a crazy hairstyle. Those were the only options. Big bangs and awful home perms. Feathered bangs. And if you were lucky and very very skilled with a comb, feathered sides that met in back and created a perfect seam. There was a really mean grrrl two years older than me who sported the perfect feather. I saw her at the mini-mart in town the other day and 20 years of practice really *does* make perfect. You know what goes really well with big bangs? A big pink bow.


Yes, those are fans we were carrying for a magazine lay-out titled, "Bridesmaid Fashion from Hell."

21. What was your first bike? A cute little yellow two-wheeler that my sister learned to ride in the 30-second span it took my dad to give me the twenty-third "if you just keep the handlebars straight and get some momentum" lashing of the day. My younger sister. Yeah. Hey Kids! - Can you say therapy bill?

22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood! The pink heart pillow my mom crocheted. I slept with it every night and used it to cover my ears during the "big boom" fireworks.

23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid? No. They were ugly, wretched little things, that would've given me nightmares ala Chucky.

24. Did you dress like Madonna? Gloves and all. Allow me to take this moment to apologize to anyone within viewing distance of me in 1985. I hope your side aches are finally gone from the fits of laughter.

25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake? Neither. And Strawberry Shortcake smelled funny. A bad funny.

26. Did you watch Miami Vice? A few times - I knew even then that Don Johnson's white jacket was, like, so lame. I watched the Cosby Show, 21 Jump Street, Solid Gold, and Love Boat. Theme songs, anyone? Heehaw. Fantasy Island. ("De plane! De plane!") And after-school specials! They were so intense. Like one time? This grrrl? She liked this boy? And he, like, skipped school a lot? I mean, he was trouble. So he was a bad influence, but she loved him anyhow, and she really thought she could save him if he could just be exposed to a good family, with a mom who makes tuna casseroles and a dad who carries a briefcase, and she asked her parents if they would help him too, and like, they weren't sure because he skipped school and wouldn't that be bad to condone such horrific behavior, and... and... and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes? Oh Yes. I wore them with black pants with colored polka dots, a hot pink camp shirt with the collar up, and a white hat. I wouldn't kid about such a serious fashion crime.

28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper? Um - hello? It was a school supply requirement! But I never actually used the unweildy thing.

29. Atari or Nintendo? Atari 2600. Actually, it was my brother's and appeared at our house at the end of my tenure. He was the youngest and totally spoiled. When he was a pre-teen, there were Zingers and soda in the house. We know who your favorite was, Mom. Or had I just worn you down by then?

30. Did you play Pac-Man? Yes. But my favorite was Frogger even though I could never, EVER, get past level 3. Level 3 was really hard.

31. Which was better: Jem or Barbie and the Rockers? Skipper.

32. He-Man or She-Ra? Neither. I remember the Hulk, but Mr. Stretch was hotter - in a creepy, stretchy sort of way. But really? It was Wonder Woman for me. Oh, and the Muppets.

33. What movie scared you the most? Well, now that I'm going to have recurring nightmares because Kelly chanted,
"1, 2 Freddie's coming for you
3, 4 better lock your door
5, 6 grab your crucifix
7, 8 gonna stay up late
9, 10 never sleep again"
in her meme, I might be too busy sucking my thumb and rocking in the fetal position to conjure up any more 80's horror movie memories. But actually, I was a HUGE horror flick fan and still would be if my husband wasn't such a pansy-*ss about it. Whose broad chest will I hide in during the scariest parts? Or I at least need a gaggle of squealing grrrls to huddle with and those are harder to come by these days. Friday the 13th rocked, all 72 of them. Freddy Krueger. Poltergeist. Cujo. Ohmygosh Pet Sematary. Anything with Keanu Reeves in it.

When I'd hear a scary noise in my house, I'd have my entire fate planned out. "There's someone in the basement waiting for me to go down for a load of laundry, and then he'll leap from the broom closet and...." Shaking, I'd call someone. I called an uncle and a few cute boys to come and search my house for Jason many times. At least 5 times I can think of off the top of my head. Hey, we lived in the cornfields! Can you say Children of the Corn? *shiver*

34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson? Yes, of course. And I also fell asleep every night gazing up at his adorable then-face in his Thriller poster, wondering if a white grrl and a then-black boy in love could ever be accepted in these here conservative-cornfield-parts. I loved to dance and get this - I found a website of 80's dance moves. For your information, I totally rocked 'the Bedrock', the 'Caustic Potash', and 'Churnin' Butter' and my cousin and I choreographed a killer routine to Shaun Cassidy's "Da Doo Ron Ron" - "I met her on a Monday and my heart stood still, da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron. Somebody told me that her name was Jill, da doo ron ron ron, da doo ron ron." - that included a very advanced version of 'the Belinda' in that we took it down to our knees, then leaned back, and up again. I'm worked up just thinking about it.

35. What Is The First Thing That Comes To Mind When You Hear "Flux Compasitor"? Back to the Future, yo.

36. What other colors did Pepsi come in? Um, diet?

37.Roger Rabbit or Howard The Duck? Don't care.

38. Did you ever beg your parents to have your school picture taken with the 'LASER' background? No, but I do remember begging my parents not to hang my school picture above the mantle. Does that count?

39. Do you know what the Ninja Rap is? Stealing Kelly's answer: I feel like maybe I should, but I'm probably glad that I don't. I can sing the Super Bowl Shuffle for you, though. And I wrote one about our high school team. I was a cheerleader. I'm sorry.

40. Do you know why people cringe when they hear the word BUCKNER? Actually, no. But I still love saying "I want my two dollars!" from Better Off Dead and "What's happening hot stuff?" - Long Duk Dong from Sixteen Candles.

41. Can you name the family members from National Lampoon's Vacation movies? H*ll yes. Family Vacation should be required viewing for anyone tempted to throw the kids in a station wagon mini-van for a road-trip.
Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best.

42. Wally-World or Europe? I haven't been to Europe, but Clark Griswold reminds me of my father, mid-road trip, when he says, "We're ten hours from the f*cking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much f*cking fun we'll need plastic surgeory to remove our g*d*mn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of your *ssholes!"


"But Da-a-a-a-d... I've been crouched in the 'way back' unable to straighten my knees for 834 miles! It's Jackie's turn!" True story.

43. What was your favorite movie from the 80's? How can I pick just one? All the horror movies listed above, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Better Off Dead, St. Elmo's Fire, Flashdance, Footloose, The Breakfast Club... Top Gun, before Tom Cruise was whacked...

Pant, pant, pant... a Trip down 80's memory lane is exhausting.

I'm gonna go eat another a sweet roll.